So, Donald had a chat with Elon, and here’s their vision for the future: losers come out on top, and incompetence takes the lead.

Both claim to represent a bright new dawn, but last night the politician could only slur through meaningless words, while the tech boss bungled the technology.

Would you really want to be part of the advanced team to Mars, riding a space rocket launched by a man who can’t even manage a live stream? Ideally, you'd have to queue up behind thousands of Earth’s top shitposters, who not only have unwavering faith in X owner Elon Musk but also genuinely believe that if they keep grinding away on his platform, he’ll eventually notice one of their posts. Keep dreaming, guys!

In the meantime, my favorite recent headline about this interplanetary colonization plan was “Elon Musk denies his sperm will seed Mars colony.” Sure, Elon. Just a hunch, but it feels like they’ll have way more sperm than they need up there. It’s the other vital ingredient for human life that might be in short supply.

From the future of Mars to the state of political discourse: Monday night’s conversation between Musk and Donald Trump on X (audio only, nearly an hour late, and with far fewer listeners than anticipated) was so dysfunctional that even Trump’s dentures seemed eager to escape. Hours after the event, Musk sent out an unusual request: "Anyone have a <1 hour edit of the highlights of the @realDonaldTrump conversation?" The obvious question is: sorry... what? That’s like NBC asking, “Does anyone have any highlights of the Olympics?” YOU OWN THE PLATFORM. How could you not have organized some highlights?

Still, in the absence of Musk's highlights, here are mine. The event kicked off with Musk solemnly informing Trump, “We’re at a fork in the road of the destiny of civilization.” And you’ll know this fork by the error screen it’s marked with. In the UK, we describe benchmark incompetence as someone who "couldn’t organize a piss-up in a brewery." But a tech boss failing to organize a tech event on his own tech platform sets a new standard: it’s like the brewery's head of piss-ups being unable to organize a piss-up in his own brewery. On Monday night, you could watch live footage from bird nesting boxes worldwide, but catching a glimpse of the would-be president of the United States was impossible. That said, I’m afraid both species soiled their floors.

If only there had been some warning that X would mess up these live events. Remember, Musk previously backed former Republican nominee Ron DeSantis and convinced the Florida governor to launch his campaign on X last year. The tech fail that ensued was “a DISASTER!” Not my words, but those of a certain Donald Trump.

Either way, making it audio-only felt less than futuristic. I saw someone comment that it could have been an email, but honestly, it would have worked best as a fax. It wasn’t so much that the tech revolution hadn’t happened; it was like the Industrial Revolution hadn’t happened. Hopefully, as time goes on, Musk will upgrade his server to a spinning jenny. Meanwhile, he wants you to believe that his ancient looms suffered a cyber-attack. He told frustrated users that X Spaces had been hit by a “massive DDOS attack,” which somehow didn’t affect the rest of X. This excuse is as self-sabotaging as Katy Perry claiming her recent pop single was “satire” and “a reset for my idea of feminine divine.” After Monday night, the haters need to understand: Elon’s aural frotting of Trump was satire, and a reset for his idea of masculine divine.

It was also a reset for the spectacle of 21st-century power brokering. Witness billionaire hedge funder Bill Ackman, who recently endorsed Trump and was reduced on Monday night to plaintively replying to Trump’s neglected X handle: “Please let Elon know we can’t join.” Posting helplessly at a presidential account that Trump hasn’t used in three years to complain that the meeting host isn’t letting him in... it seems like a big part of the rest of the idea of masculine divine is old guys shouting that they can’t get their computers to work. Have you tried simply turning the masculine divine off and on again?

Let’s briefly address the content of Elon and Donald’s fireside chat, as long as we’re clear that the fire they were sitting next to was a dumpster, with sparks that had long since set both their pants on fire. “I want to close the Department of Education,” Trump slurred at one point. According to Trump, Biden was ousted in a “coup.” Well, at least the Democrats can organize a successful one.

Finally, for a genius, Musk’s interview technique is surprisingly similar to that of a clueless 90s breakfast host. (Donna Air once asked the Corrs how they met.) He guffawed his way through most of Trump’s ramblings, reserving special admiration for the authoritarians and dictators Trump mentioned. When Trump spoke about meeting Kim Jong-un, Musk gurgled, “That was cool,” even though his platform is banned in North Korea. “If something happens with this election,” Trump concluded, “we’ll meet next time in Venezuela because it’ll be a far safer place to meet than our country.” Fortunately, as with most places ruled by these freedom-loathing strongmen, X is also currently banned in Venezuela. So at least we’d be spared another glitchy meeting of minds like this one.